Hmm...

The question now is should I say it out loud, or should I keep the secret within myself. I was young; I knew what will be happened if we are having the contradicting idea from the others. I knew it was hard, but I tried. I try my best to fit in my mind. The torque of having the truth is tremendous as I could see the strings are weakening day by day. I didn’t realize that something is made of honor; the glimpse of these phenomena is stunning. People can utter their words, but you yourself are the one who face the destiny. I couldn’t care less if they want to say bad things about me, but definitely not to someone else. I might be cruel in terms of conveying the exact meaning of my speech, but I know the consequence is great. Is your sexuality decides what are you going to be or you choose what are you going to be? This question had been in my head since the last time I read Dina Zaman’s book; ‘I am Muslim’. What I would like to highlight here is the odd of creating the other world of truth, you succumb to both parties to please everybody. I am tired of being so kind to the people, I sometimes want to see how world is going on without good people in there.

The result of being snobbish is terrible. I simply try to make things become better. In fact, I would make myself as a scapegoat to the other’s faulty. Everyday, I keep thinking what love is all about. I cannot find the true answer. The irresistibility of liking someone somehow brings more harm than the good ones. Plato once said, “Only the brave will lead”. I doubt it. What kind of brave is he talking about? Is it something that we can face it or the guts came from our within. Occasionally, being alone is better. Avoidance, it is the best way I think right now to make myself free. I tried very hard and it is very painful. I did say before that the string of my relationship is weakening day by day and that was really ironic. I didn’t see any changes of ours as it seems like we need each other. I am supposedly being away but indeed, the situation didn’t make any difference. Should I open the inquiry of suspicion in the soothing environment? I am not the type of ruining other’s life. Oh God, why it is so hard being a human being. I confess to me, I kill me by my very own tenets; trusted people. I doubt if I died today, would someone cry for me rather than my family? I need an answer. I know people can change and so am I. But still, the fun in yet to be existed.

I am in uncertainties, I am worrywart and I am very emotional; sometimes. After about such a time, I need to loath the feelings that I had before. I remind myself, look at the bright side. I sigh. It is a genuine feeling, or it is just my tenets that I have to look at the outer site. Eventually, these things are simple. A tree doesn’t shake if there is no wind or precisely, how come a human would change into someone else in order to please the other side of people? It is nearly impossible. I cannot force people simply loving me. What a non-sense! Sometimes, we need a relief; we need a shoulder to cry on. Well, the development of the process of becoming a true person in still at risk. I appreciated what people have done to me. The voice whispered softly to my ears, and I can feel the warmth of love in there. It is the biggest fan of all the time, now it’s the time for me to face the truth.